Stressed and Depressed. Ooh, Such A Drama Queen.

I don’t know what happened to me lately. Mood sedang buruk dan jadi terlalu sensitif. I can’t blame hormones for this because it’s over. Tapi kenapa mood swing ini tetap ada, ya?

Kemarin saya mendapat kabar bahwa teman saya sedang hamil. Dia bukan teman dekat saya. Efeknya adalah mata saya berkaca-kaca karena terharu. Tidak lama kemudian, saya mendengar seorang teman sekelas saya akan menikah beberapa bulan lagi. I was so excited that I wanted to cry. Weird!

Selain gampang nangis, saya juga merasa kesepian akhir-akhir ini. Bolak-balik praktek ke Ciawi setiap hari, menghadapi berbagai macam pria yang menggoda, ditambah klien yang keras kepalanya minta ampun, saya dituntut tetap sabar dan tetap gembira. Rasanya mau mati! Saya lagi nggak bisa senyum sama sekali dan (sebenarnya) saya nggak terlalu peduli juga sama masalah-masalah mereka kalau emang mereka nggak mau ditolong. What can I say, I’ll help if you want yourself to be helped. If not, that’s your loss. Setelah capek praktek, saya biasanya benar-benar kelelahan di rumah, lalu nggak mood buat ngobrol atau senyum-senyum. Lebih milih menyendiri di kamar, bukan untuk ngerjain laporan tapi cuma browsing sesuatu yang nggak jelas. Tujuannya, cuma untuk bunuh waktu supaya tibalah jam waktunya tidur. Kalau udah waktunya tidur, ya saya tidur walaupun nggak ngantuk-ngantuk banget. Tidur saya nggak pernah bermasalah, sih, tapi dibandingkan sebelumnya, saya nggak merasa tidur terlalu nyenyak. Pagi-paginya saya bangun dan kayak robot aja gitu, menjalani apa yang harus dijalani.

Saat-saat paling menyedihkan adalah saat di kamar dan browsing internet. Lalu mulai jadi profile stalker dan menemukan fakta bahwa teman-teman moving on with their life. Memulai lembaran baru (a.k.a menikah, punya anak, karir jauh melesat, etc). I envy them soooo much!

Parahnya, I just can’t tell anyone about my feeling. My boy works, has his master’s degree classes, and has a lot of homeworks. Sometimes, I just let him finished his homeworks and let him not to call me. Yesterday, he was free after going back from work. He called me, but I still couldn’t tell him how I felt lonely lately. Any other day, I cried and he knew that. He tried his best to stop me from crying, but it was never enough for me. I smiled for a couple days and now I’m back in my sad feeling. Beberapa hari sebelumnya, dia sudah sibuk pulang malam, lalu dilanjutkan dengan tugas kuliah. Kemarin punya kesempatan buat mengobrol. Rasanya kayak berabad-abad nggak ngobrol, sampai nggak tahu mau ngobrol apa. But we kept talking and talking. Hari ini dia milih main basket habis pulang kantor karena udah lama nggak olahraga. YES, I know he needs it. Refreshing, talking to his friends, and all that boys stuff. But can he see that his girl needs him more at this time? Huh? Dan yang lebih menyebalkannya lagi, I told him something today and he seemed not care about it. Okay, he was working at that time and maybe he knew I’d be a drama queen if he continued on that issue. But I needed someone that really cared about it.

Here I go again, becoming a drama queen. Menyebalkan sekali! I’m depressed, hating my college that much, and finding that it’s not fun anymore. I need a vacation. A real one! Ooh, anyway, my boy arranged a vacation for both of us. Hopefully this time it’ll work, because last week it didn’t work. He was so tired and had tootache. It really ruined my Saturday. The next day he couldn’t meet me, maybe because he had too many homeworks to do. Anywaaay, I just need more attention and affection from him these days. I’m just so stressed, depressed, fed up, fatigue, and you just name it. He should’ve known this feeling because he’s been there before.

I wish he’d read this. Just need real hugs and someone to accompany me.

PS: Sedikit lega juga setelah menulis ini. Fiuuh!

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